tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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