I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
