There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
