I just pynch a tree in the face
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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