My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
