his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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