Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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