I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Damn victory sex feels great
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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