at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
