can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
