i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
