He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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