You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
