just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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