Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
