I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize