I'm so fucking centered right now
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
