Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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