I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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