I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
