this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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