I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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