it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
