pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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