I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booty called her while she was in labor.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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