Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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