Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
