that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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