someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?