I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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