soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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