I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
