does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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