she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
