You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The uberlube is also flammable
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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