3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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