Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
