Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
