I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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