You're my little dorito
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
