just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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