I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
