Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
