My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
