The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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