I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
