Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
operation have a gay friend backfired
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
