I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
