Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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