You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
