That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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