He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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