All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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