You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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