her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
