Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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