I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
