I'm so fucking centered right now
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone came in the potted fern
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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