'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
